When we first found out we were pregnant, your father & I agreed as we were still so young (24 & 26 then; 25 & 27 now) that we didn’t want to miss out on a lot of the things we enjoyed doing in our youth. This for me, included going to the bar and dancing the night away.
So it was inevitable that Saturday would come. The event was perfect – it was my favourite DJ, at one of my favourite bars, and two of my favourite people (who you will come to know as your Uncle Mike and Uncle Dwayne) were celebrating two important things – a birthday and an engagement, respectively. We had more than enough milk in the freezer, which was combined with milk freshly pumped for you throughout the day. Your father was more than happy to stay home and enjoy some quality time with you for the night, and he encouraged me to go out and to enjoy myself.
When the time came to leave the house at 10:15, I was a mess. Anxiety had been building in me all day – will she have enough milk? Will she even take the bottle? What if she’s fussy? What if she can’t sleep without me next to her? For some reason McKenna, as your mother I have this idea in my head that I am the be all, end all for you. This is quite simply not true. You have your amazing father for starters, your wonderful hands on father who loves to spend time with you and has a great connection with you, a connection different than ours, but just as deep. On top of that, you have an array of immediate and extended family who love you and would jump at the chance to watch you at any moment. And finally, you have our group of amazing friends, your father’s & I, who also are yearning for time with you and have made their position known that they are willing to watch you whenever the two of us want a night out.
I left the house, and promptly burst into tears in your Auntie Jayda’s car. You were being fussy that night – for no other reason than you simply just didn’t want to sleep (a once or twice a week occurence around this house), and I felt such guilt for leaving.
I texted and called your father no less than 10 times in the first half hour at the bar, wherein he told me multiple times all was fine, you had calmed down, and fallen asleep. You didn’t need me. Sure, I think some part of you did realize I was gone and you probably did want me there, but you by no means needed me.
It was me in fact, all along who needed you. I wasn’t ready.
Regardless, I managed to have a few drinks, unwind, and relax with some of my closest friends. We arrived at the bar at 10:30, and I was home, by your side by 12:45. I couldn’t take the smile off of my face when I crawled into bed next to you and your father, and I realized this was the moment I was waiting for all night. Because quite simply, I have changed.
I am no longer the crazy party girl I once was – a story for another day. And I am so grateful. In your 4 months of human existence and in the 9 months that led up to your birth, you have changed me, into a better person. I am happier – I can tell this by the way I treat those around me. I am more accepting – of stangers and friends alike. I am healthier – I can tell this by my daily choices and the new goals I have set for myself. I am more honest – I can tell this by the way your father & I now communicate. And I love – family, friends, strangers, life, so much deeper. All because of you, and your beautiful existence in this world, in my world.
So the moral of this story my darling McKenna, is that although I may still go to the bar from time to time (but not for a long while yet), and although I may still have the occassional drink with some friends, the thing I enjoy most about life now, is simply being yours. I am a mother, I am your mother above all things, and I love every single moment of it.