My heart and mind have been heavy the past little while.
When McKenna and I were walking by a school in my neighborhood the other day, I was overwhelmed with thoughts:
Summer is over.
School is in session, which means, it is already September.
My maternity leave is nearly over (returning in January).
I am not, and fear I may never be, ready.
This past year has been the most magical of my life. And although Matthew and I’m sure others will say that I am overthinking this far too soon, I can’t help but have it on the forefront of my mind these past few days. It has nothing to do with being lazy ; I used to enjoy work the majority of the time (which is all you can really ask when it comes to a job). It simply has everything to do with me not wanting to miss a moment with McKenna. I would love nothing more than to stay at home with McKenna, learning with, playing with, and loving her every second of every day, but that unfortunately is not in our cards right now.
There are certain things Matt and I want out of our life with our angel daughter; we want to travel and take regular family vacations, we want a bigger house, a bigger yard in a quiet neighbourhood, and the list goes on. I love watching Matt with his daughter, love our quality family time we spend together far too much to ask him to work tooth and nail to allow me to stay at home. I do not want to be a “Fort Mac widow”, and be sent a paycheque every 2 weeks and see him a mere few days a month. So sacrifices need to be made.
But I can’t help but feeling so sad, and honestly, almost depressed at the thought of this year coming to an end. Which is why I am cautiously optimistic about an opportunity that has presented itself that MAY just allow me to stay home. I am trying so hard to not get my hopes up too high at the risk of being disappointed, but I can’t help but hope, dream and pray that this opportunity, this dream opportunity wherein I can be a stay at home mother but still bring in a reliable income in a field of work I am interested in, will come to fruition.
I’ve always thought that positive thinking goes a long long way. So I am keeping my thoughts positive, and doing everything I can to enjoy the rest of my maternity leave with McKenna. I am preparing myself emotionally for my return to work but at the back of my mind I am focusing on sending all the positive thoughts that I can to wherever they need to be, so that my wildest dreams may come true.
When I made the choice to become a mother, I knew it would be filled with difficult decisions. Being a mother is the most rewarding job in the world, but it can be the hardest at times. My return to work will be the most difficult thing I have faced since McKenna arrived 9 months ago (yes, I think it will be even harder than labour, those first few days of breastfeeding, and the struggle with sleep), but I know there is much more difficulty to come. I just need to focus on the positive and be the best mother I can to my beautiful baby girl, while making the best decisions for my family as a whole. Because my family, my beautiful, loving family, is what matters more to me more than anything in this world.