The Not-so-Clear Future

My Darling McKenna,

I apologize in advance if this letter seems to be a little all over the place. But it would be true to where my thoughts are these days – cluttered, messy, scrambled.

As I approach the end of my maternity leave (a mere 2 months away), I find myself not really coming to grips with the reality of the situation. As I start my research into childcare, I can’t help but just think of how unnatural the whole process is feeling to me. It feels forced, as though it is not the right time for us.

With my return to work will come a lot of changes to the things that are working so well for us, the things that define this beautiful mother-daughter relationship we have created. Life right now? It is easy, it is comfortable, it is natural, it is amazing. I am so content with my life as it is, and you are a happy, thriving little girl full of childlike wonder. We are so good together, you and I. A perfect match. I do not want to end this good thing we have going – not in the slightest. I do not want to wean, I do not want to end our cosleeping relationship, I do not want to spend the majority of our days apart. I do not want for this year; this amazing, wonderful, beautiful year to end.

I am at such a loss as to what to do. On the one hand, I have a stable career in a company wherein I am well established. We have a wedding, an expensive family holiday and a honeymoon to pay for in the very near future. Your father works hard as it is, and I do not want to ask nor expect him to carry this extra load to ensure all our personal and savings goals are met. But I just don’t know what to do. My heart is aching for more time but we have already been blessed with the gracious amount of time we have been given. I am not ungrateful, and I feel as though I would happily return to work when the time was right – but I just do not feel, not with a single ounce of my being, that that time is now.

On the bright side of things, I feel as this is a true testament to how far along you and I have come, McKenna. We have grown together so much in this past year – you, from a tiny 5 pound 15 ounce newborn who knew nothing of this big world, relying on your parents for everything and spending your days sleeping, to a busy, independent, beautiful little girl, so joyful and so energetic. And I, a first time mum not knowing the slightest thing about how to take care if an infant, now a breastfeeding pro, parenting with (most of the time) ease. I have never felt close to being as good at something as I do at being your mother. It feels as if every moment in my life has lead to these past almost 11 months, and I have never been so happy.

I am unsure of what is to come, McKenna. But I hope we never stop this journey we are on. I hope we never stop growing together, deepening this beautiful relationship we have together formed. And whatever may come in the future, my promise to you is I will face it with the confidence and grace that you need from me to support you along the way. Because although there are so many uncertainties in my head, those are for me to deal with, and me alone. Your only job, my dear sweet child, is to continue to be you – continue to be happy and carefree. Your father and I? We will figure out the rest.

I love you with everything I am.

xoxo

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